sadness

Sometimes life just sucks...Finding out that you beat one life threatening disease and then a few months later find out you have another. I know that this is life and that illness is part of it but it still really blows...and I know one should be thankful because 200 years ago the average life expectancy was 28 years and now we are at like 80, but things still just blow...dreary mood for a dreary day.

Sigh.

I would post a happier thought but for the moment I am consumed with sadness.

I also am amazed at how inept I was at speaking to the family about this. Did my offer of help/assistance/condolence come off cold or does everything come off cold in times like this? It's like this dark cloud hanging over and I keep staring at it and not wanting to comment on it but knowing that it is there...or as others refer to it the elephant in the corner...this is a life skill I need to learn.

Much sadness.

I don't need you anyways!

Thats right L & D...just because you decided to galavant all over the SK countryside this weekend, I didn't need you for friendship and social outings. You thought that you were my sole friends in this cruel cruel city, but oh no, you are wrong. I choose to bypass the middlepersons (being you) and head straight for the pot of gold, a skipsey I undertook...our coffee on sunday was fabulous -- fraps in the sun, talking of europe, thesis, and dirty hippies....and yes, whilst we whinged that you were amiss, we got on with it...so there...take off all you want again, but don't be thinking that i'm just going to sit at home and watch csi all by myself...which may or may not be what I did on Friday and Monday night....

What else. I went shopping on Sunday. I'm really not to be left alone when I live so close to the mall. I have no control over solo pity shopping, which is what left me with three shirts, a jacket, a scarf, a lotto ticket and $45 less in my pocket -- I'm the queen of sales, remember!

Sushi on Saturday with a most excellent friend from Uni who was visiting from Edmonton. She stayed at mine, as did her dog (no need to tell the landlord). Her dog rocks..shout outs to dakota.

What else. I've sustained third degree burns from my leisurely day yesterday in my brother's backyard...who needs sunscreen, it's only 32 degrees out! Beer, chips and icecream were consumed, frisbee's thrown, and the acknowledgement that dakota was the most awesomeof us all.

Oh and yeah...so on Friday I booked my flight to see my English lover, M. I guess you could say I'm excited. Perhaps ecstatic? Perhaps overflowing with giddiness? Not sure how to describe how fabulous June 21 - July 3 will be...I'll refrain from thinking how sucky July 4 will be at Manchester airport until, fingers crossed, July 4.

Peace love and nappiness, as the lost boyz would say...

Uh yes, I'd like to report a domestic, or a noise complaint..I don't know I just want to sleep

It’s been a bit of a tough week, well, really only these last few days. I had a bit of a sit down with the boss on Wednesday and was basically told that the guy I’m filling in for could be returning as soon as the end of May. Which means that I have no job in two weeks, though I’ve been offered OT this next week to get some work done…which are completely unrelated but I’m feeling a bit bitter about it! To be fair my boss and the dept head have been talking and are trying to allocate funds to keep me on as there is more than enough work for me to stay, but whether this happens or not remains to be seen. My boss did say he has about two months excess money in his budget which he wants to use to keep me on but once again, approval is needed….Somehow temporary until probably Christmas seems to now be temporary until May Long….

My bitterness towards the situation was heightened when I returned to my cube yesterday to find a pin from the City ‘Thanking me for my service’. It was like the gold watch but early, and in pin form. Of course, everyone got one but still. Maybe L & D will let me borrow their digital camera so I can share this beautiful pin with the rest of my blog readers (M).

To deal with my aggression/bitterness/self pity/woe is me attitude I took myself to the gym. I ran hard and listened to rap music very loudly. It’s a childish way that I deal with aggression (loud gangsta rap) but it helps for some reason…I guess since I’m not ‘Just hoe slap and bustin caps’ I can feel thankful for what I’ve got…I don’t’ know (that by the way is from At the Helm, by Hieroglyphics, one of the best (rap) songs ever).

That is, until of course at 3:30 in the morning when the neighbours decided to have a domestic. Ten minutes after I woke up they were still fighting so I banged on the floor. That didn’t stop them so I called the cops. Yup, I reported a domestic. Kudos to the boys in stripes, because they responded within ten minutes and the situation soon sorted itself out. However I experienced high levels of anxiety over: their safety during the call, my safety after they left and fear for the neighbour relation situation…also it just added to my bitterness that my apartment that I love is really just a pretty hole, which isn’t any different from being a hole. Grrr.

I might stay in this weekend and drink. Oh and I have to do some OT for work because you know, can’t bite the hand that feeds you whilst slapping you in the face, now can you?

So cool

Ok so this web tracker is so very cool! I love it! I'm so intrigued by the randoms from across the globe! Too bad my life isn't exactly the most interesting read out there...

My fake brother, johannes as he prefers to be known in blogworld, is on his way to england as we speak. he's staying with M, whilst exploring Liverpool. Then he's off to greece, italy and france for some scholarship spending action...am i jealous...absolutely...but I am even more jealous that he gets to spend time with M and I don't...:(

What else -- a bit of a bomb was dropped on me on monday - it seems the person who I'm filling in for at work is finishing up his project in good time, suggesting I might not have employment up to xmas as once thought...which sucks..I mean I want to get to the UK but I liked the cushion that this job provided...grrr...sigh...

Big ups to L & D and their recent announcement...wicked cool. I plan to get drunk and fall asleep in the corner while attempting to do the humpty dance...

FInally before I take my compost to the park (where the compost pile would be) I just wanted to say the new elefant cd is quite good...happy with my purchase I am I am. Oh and Sonic Youth is on the Gilmore Girls tonight -- I'll catch it in a couple weeks as I'm still playing catch up. best show EVER.

ULOB: So many thoughts

So it has come to pass that I must return ULOB to the library or incur a fine...so I leave my readers with these passages:

For L & D:
'Franz shook his head. "When a society is rich, its people don't need to work with their hands; they can devote themselves to activities of the spirti. We have more and more universities and more and more students. If students are going to earn degrees, they've got to come up with dissertation topics. And since dissertations can be written about everything under the sun, the number of topics is infinite. Sheets of paper covered with words pile up in archives sadder than cemeteries, ebcause no one ever visits them, not even on All Souls' Day. Culture is perishing in overproduction, in an avalance of words, in the madness of quantityt. That's why one banned book in your former country means infinetly more than the billions of words spewed out by our universities"'..

Uh, yeah...if I can get my dad to read my dissertation i'll be happy...that'll bring the total readership up to three -- and I spent $50,000 on that!

For M:
...Stalin's son habitually left a foul mess....Crying out to heaven in the most terrifying of Russian curses, he took a running jump into the electrified barbed-wire fence that surrounded the camp...
Stalin's son laid down his life for shit. But a death for shit is not a senseless death. The germans who sacrificed their lives to expand their country's territory to the east, the Russians who died to extend their country's power to the west - yes, they died for soemthing idiotic, and their deaths have no meaning or general validity. Amid the general idiocy of the war, the death of Stalin's son stands out as the sole metaphysical death.

Just like that supposedly Stalin's son ran into an electrified fence because he wouldn't clean up his shitter...


For JF:
"Kitsch" is a German word born in the middle of the sentimental nineteenth century, and from German it entered all Western languages. Repeated use, however, has obliterated its original metaphysical meaning: kitsch is the absolute denial of shit, in both the literal and the figureative sense of the word; kitsch excludes everything from its purview which is essentially unacceptable in human existence.

so does that mean kitsch is acceptable?

For Me:
There are situations in which people are condemned to play act...

lIke me at work each day...

Seriously people, I loved the book...fingers crossed the next one will be just as good!